I reread yesterday's post about my bad day, and I realize that what I described might not seem like such an ordeal to others. However, I merely scratched the surface of everything that went wrong; the missing DVD was the kindling that set fire to a rage that's been simmering within me for quite some time. It put me over the edge.
Lately I've felt like I'm spinning out of control. I don't know if it's my age or the fact that mothering is a tough job or the inadequacy I feel over not being able to work harder toward my writing goals... Whatever it is, it's making me feel helpless, and some days, when there are so many things hitting me at once, vying for my attention, worrying me, nagging me, making me feel less than human, less than sane, I just want to lie down and sleep and forget about it all. I want all those feelings to go away until I feel like I'm in control of my life again, like I'm the main character. Like I'm Dana.
I haven't felt like Dana in a long time.
That missing DVD...it enraged me. I was angry that the kids had misplaced it. It was just one more thing--a little thing, certainly--but it was the proverbial last straw, one more thing that was trying to gain control over my life, and I couldn't stand it. I was so angry--about the DVD and about everything else, all those things I felt were trying to take my life away from me.
Ozzy Osbourne is my favorite singer. I think he's a remarkable songwriter whose lyrics are truly thought-provoking. In Ghost Behind My Eyes, Ozzy sings: "I hate that feeling when I'm losing control." That's how I feel now, how I've felt for months. I'm losing control--maybe losing my mind--and I hate it.
I understood where you were coming from, even apart from the fact you said the entry was barely scratching the surface of the day's badness.
ReplyDeleteToday's a rare day where I feel like I'm in charge. I've been mourning lately just how little I get to see friends on the weekdays. This leaves weekends only to catch up, which means I can only see a very small number of people any given month. Month! When I think about it like that, I get a little sad about what I've given up . . .
I feel so, so grateful for my little guy. I do look forward to #2, a year or two down the road! Some days, though, it's hard to look--so tiredly--at the 13.5-hour block of my day that no longer belongs to me and not mourn a little for how things used to be.
I kinda live for days like today, where I feel like, despite everything, I'm still at heart the same ol' Deb I've always been . . . just with a few additional routines!
Yes, the kids are totally worth it! I love how you said that at heart, you're still the same person. I need to remember that too!
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